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— Papal Reality Show —

Column

The Parthenon

Published: Thursday, February 14, 2013

Updated: Thursday, February 14, 2013 00:02

If the entire world is a stage and reality television is the new modern stage, then I have an idea that will make millions.

Listen up, MTV. Get a load of this, TLC, or any other three-letter, reality loving networks, because the oldest institution on earth can make your ratings go sky high.

My idea is called “World’s Next Top Catholic.” Any network that wants to pick this up immediately is guaranteed weeks worth of entertainment value and loads of money.

The show would chronicle the lives of potential candidates for the cushiest job out there — the job of pope.

The fan-base is already there, as members of the Roman-Catholic faith will tune-in to see their next holy leader.

Contestants would arrive at Vatican City and will be given various challenges by the College of Cardinals. I’ve already thought of a few ideas for challenges.

Episode one would showcase a very important quality that any pope needs — his wave to the crowd. Candidates will be wheeled down the street in the pope mobile and wave to cheering fans.

Episode two will bring extra stress, as candidates will compete to see who can make the best robe, crown, staff and papal ring. Can you say drama?
Episode three brings even more of a challenge, as the College of Cardinals — who will certainly become more television savvy as the show goes on — will judge which candidate gives the best sermon. Will someone mess up the prayers? Will some candidates prove to be too liberal for the holy office?
Episode four will showcase new technology, as the College will judge the best tweet. Twitter came to the Vatican by way of Pope Benedict XVI, and the new pope will be expected to follow his #holyfootsteps.

Other episodes will sample from shows such as Survivor and have the contestants split into teams. Activities such as laser tag and cooking competitions will bring out the best and worst in these candidates.

Each week, the College of Cardinals and a poll gathered from catholic churches across the globe will vote a potential pope out of the Vatican. The fan vote will actually give subjects of the church a chance to have their say after thousands of years without one.

In a perfect world, Anne Robinson from “The Weakest Link” will be on location to deliver the news to the losers.

“You are the weakest bishop. Goodbye.”

Kyle Gibson can be contacted at gibson210@marshall.edu.

 

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