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Carbonated milk experience falls flat

Published: Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Updated: Saturday, September 19, 2009 16:09

Plop-plop, fizz- fizz: Got Milk? By all means this isn't an indication that milk gives rise to headaches, but the mere idea of 'fizzy milk' is enough to give me a minor migraine.

This is old news, but a nurse and her biochemist husband spent several years trying to create carbonated milk for school children because kids today enjoy guzzling soda-pop instead of wholesome milk.

In 1998, according to www.msnbc.com, the couple founded the company, Mac Farms Inc., which produces a carbonated milk drink called 'eMoo'.

This couple obviously wants to make the American youth healthier and less prone to calcium deficiency by weaning them from soda-pop and introducing them to fizzy milk, which is, without a doubt, a good thing. My question is, what's wrong with milk the way it is?

Milk isn't supposed to be 'exciting'. It's plain, white and boring - the way most of us like it. Sure, we have the choice of skim milk, low-fat, non-fat and percentage milk, but do we really need anything more?

Like milk gone bad, today's youth are spoiled. They have become so sensitive that they can't even chew or swallow vitamins anymore, so someone had to come up with the bright idea of disguising vitamins in a gumball.

Wow! Kids get their vitamins and tooth decay at the same time! That's amazing! Now these same children can't drink milk because it isn't 'fun' enough for them?

Put some food coloring in it, pour it into an odd-shaped bottle, slap on a brightly colored label and you've got 'fun milk'. See? Milk doesn't need bubbles to be fun. All it needs is a bizarre advertising campaign and the problem is solved. (The 'Got Milk?' campaign must not be bizarre enough.)

Little kids are fooled into thinking that chocolate milk comes from a chocolate cow and vanilla milk comes from a vanilla cow. So where would fizzy milk come from? A cow with a flatulence crisis. That's nice.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I can't see myself drinking carbonated milk.

First of all, carbonated drinks aren't comfortable to swallow because of all the bubbles having a party from your tongue to your stomach and when one tries to take a big gulp of soda-pop, their senses go haywire and the individual's nasal cavity has minor spasms thereby causing the individual to become all teary-eyed and breathless. It's not exactly a pleasant feeling, even though it does tend to give most people that much needed buzz.

Basically, I don't like my beverages spitting at me.

If you want to try the fizzy milk, by all means do. So much time and energy was spent in trying to create it so the least we can do as consumers is to give the product a try.

Just don't try to find someone to blame when the kids of the future turn out to be spoiled, overweight, cavity-infested weaklings who break wind 24/7.

To all you future scientists out there: leave the dairy products alone. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

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