Although the last two syllables of my last name may sound a certain way, keep in mind it is spelled differently. Rams-PACHER, not Rams-PACKER. As in, I am in no way, shape or form on any part of the ancestral tree branching from CBS College Basketball Analyst Billy Packer.
If the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament is Christmas in March, then Packer is undoubtedly the Grinch. If you are unfamiliar with this embarrassment to headset, Packer is the bald-headed, outspoken color commentator that pairs up with the ultimate sugar-coater, Jim Nance, to provide coverage of the Big Dance's biggest games. He has covered every Final Four since 1974, a span of 34 years that has been defined by his big mouth and poor logic.
While other analysts in his field can be recognized by their signature vocabulary, Packer is known for his signature stupidity. Dick Vitale has PTP'ers and Diaper Dandies, Bill Rafferty lures audience members to their television sets with enthusiastic quips such as "getting the puppies set for three" or "theee kisss," but Packer has none of this charisma. In fact, while guys like Vitale and Rafferty promote everything that is good for the game, Packer cherishes in the fact that he usually is the man stirring up controversy.
Flashback to Selection Sunday, March 2004. Little St. Joseph's University out of Philadelphia, is coming off a 27-1 regular season. Their résumé includes a 27-game winning streak, the nation's best player in point guard Jameer Nelson, and nation's top coach in Phi Martelli. All of these elements lead to the NCAA Selection Committee to reward the Hawks with a No. 1 seed.
While Philly rejoices, Packer does not.
He comes back with an on-air tirade towards Martelli, citing that St. Joe's, in no way, is deserving of this honor. To this point, Packer has never seen the Hawks play in-person that entire season. His words were eaten less than two weeks later when St. Joe's defeated his alma mater, Wake Forest, in a regional semi-final game that Packer had the privilege of calling for CBS.
Two years later, history repeated itself. Once again, not hiding his big-school bias, Packer uses Selection Sunday as his stage to bash the NCAA Selection Committee for giving bids to teams from smaller conferences such as the Missouri Valley and the Colonial Athletic Association, rather than catering to his beloved ACC.
Three weeks later, Cinderella hit Packer right in the face.
Not only did little Wichita State and Bradley advance into the tournament's Sweet 16, but the CAA's George Mason defeated the ACC's North Carolina and the Big East's Connecticut on their way to the Final Four. Packer, embarrassed once again, responded by saying during the Final Four that he was "often wrong, but never in doubt."
Never in doubt? I am in never in doubt that this guy is a moron.
Was he never in doubt in 1996, when he called Allen Iverson "a tough monkey?" Where was the doubt in his actions in 2000 at Duke when he questioned the women who checked for his press pass by lashing out, "Since when do we let women check who gets into a men's basketball game?"
As Selection Sunday 2008 looms, and if you're still questioning whether or not you should mute the television when Mr. Packer appears, I'll leave you with one final example of his joke of a legacy.
In 2005 at the ACC Tournament in Washington, D.C., the conference honored Packer not only for his playing days at Wake Forest and for his "contributions to the game" through his broadcasting. Packer was greeted to a round of boos upon walking on the MCI Center Floor.
Yes, that's right. North Carolina and Duke fans coming together to boo the same man.
Did you find that mute button yet?
Andrew Ramspacher can be contacted at ramspacher@marshall.edu.
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